I know it’s past April 15th but I saw this on speedbump.com and thought it was funny. It really is funny sometimes, what we think is valuable. (Thanks speedbump! I can’t read the scribble in the left bottom corner to see who the artist or I’d give them credit too)
Who doesn’t like Mr. Rogers. (don’t worry, this is a respectful remix. It was done by PBS digital studios)
I’ve been scanning editing and grammar blogs – Oh my, she’s gone off the deep end! – and came across this from a blog called The English Emporium. Let me explain. I am working on a copy editing certificate, which requires a lot of study on grammar and punctuation, beside copy editing, so I need to be in the know on these things. I should have known, but there are a fair amount of sites like this out there. Ah, the world wide weird web.
I am currently enrolled in a copy editing certification program and last week we were working on writing good headlines. Our instructor had some wonderful examples of how not to write a headline.
These are for real!
Gators to face Seminoles with Peters out
Messiah climaxes in chorus of hallelujahs
Governor’s Penis Busy
(Should have been “pen is busy”)
Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says
Starr aghast at first lady sex position
Long Island stiffens for Lili’s blow
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Include your children when baking cookies
Safety experts say school passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Iraqi head seeks arms
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
Hard to imagine the copy editor missing these, but they did, for our enjoyment.
Tonight’s December thirty-first,
Something is about to burst.
The clock is crouching, dark and small,
Like a time bomb in the hall.
Hark, it’s midnight, children dear.
Duck! Here comes another year!
Frederic Ogden Nash
Born August 19, 1902, died May 19, 1971
An American poet known for his humorous, light verse.
I can’t send my “Belle Weather” book back to the library without telling you about Celia Rivenbark’s 10 compatibilty questions on her Red Neck dating site.
”1. Have you ever given birth on a pool table? If so, how many times?
2. Have you, or any member of your immediate family, ever tried to remove a tatoo with eighty-grit sandpaper? From the baby?
3.Have you ever burned all the hair off your body while demonstrating the power of methane gas?
4. Have you ever tried to pay for a twelve-pack at the Stop-n-Rob convenience store using your mama’s gold tooth? If yes, did you take it while she was passed out or ask her nice-like for it?
5. Have you ever stayed up all night building a beer bong for your little sister’s eighth birthday present?
6. Have you ever heard yourself say, “While I admire the liting oboe duet in Mendelssohn’s No. 5 in D Minor, I have to say that the andante of the final movement is what truly stirs my soul?
7. Have you ever attended a cockfight? Witha a date? That wasn’t your sister?
8. Have you ever gone to the bank and applied for a loan so you could get spinners and nekkid-lady mudflaps put on your Gremlin?
9. Have you ever complained to a waiter that, while bleu might be an acceptable substitute for gorgonzola crumbles in his universe, it mostly assuredly isn’ t in yours?
10. Have you openly mourned the fading popularity of the mullet hairstyle?
If you answered “Yes to all but questions six and nine, you will find your mate at redneckharmony.com. I had to add those two weird questions to weed out the riff-raff, you know. Happy redneck couples, don’t thank me now: just thank me by promising to get all the young’uns vaccinated, you hear?”
While at work today, I was showing a co-worker how to do something that they couldn't quite figure out. After I finished explaining it to them, I jokingly quipped about how 'super clever' I was, while unbeknownst to myself, the back of the pen that I thought I was scratching my forehead with at the time had actually migrated to the…
I just finished listening to Belle Weather by Celia Rivenbark and just have to share some of this woman’s incomparable wit. This audio book is read by the author herself, and she has that lovely southern belle accent I just love to slip into when I’m in a southern belle short of mood, or I’m imitating some belle I recently heard on TV or radio. I think it’s even more fun than pretending I’m from Ireland! It’s kind of funny, but the older I get, the easier it is for me to slip into that southern belle mystique; that, “I need a big, strong man to do this for me” attitude (read as if you are Dolly Parton saying it).
My husband caught me at this just the other day (minus the accent, of course, that would have been a dead giveaway). He was tightening up the handle of the screen door into the house, and I nonchalantly mentioned how I thought there was a cupboard in the kitchen that could use a little tightening too. This from the mouth of a woman who prides herself in being pretty handy around the house. He took me to task right away by replying: ‘Since when did you forgot what the right side of a screw driver looked like?’ I smirked, but when he was done with the door, he went into the kitchen and tighten the offensive cupboard. (Yes!) I tried to save face by explaining how I had tighten this other cupboard door a while back, but he just went on silently with his work. (Doesn’t hurt to try!)
Well enough about my silliness. Here are some quotes from Belle Weather and a real pro at southern belle/ female redneck humor.
“Back in Dallas I decided to make the pilgrimage to the mothership that is Neiman Marcus, where I accidentally spent forty-eight dollars on an eyebrow pencil. For a Maybeline girl from way back, this was downright guilt-inducing. Still, I deserved it. I was staying in a hotel where I was-I swear-the only guest not affiliated with a national cheerleading convention. If you ever want to feel old, just ride an elevator with thirty-five giggling teens wearing their hair in buns of spongerubber rollers and saying “Shut up!” a lot to each other.”
Here is her encounter with a particularly nice pest control man and a dead opossum:
“Look,” I said…”The possum is dead. Dead! I don’t care if you go all Abu Ghraib, put a leash around his neck and smoke a cigarette with your leg propped up on his haunches. Just get him the hell outta here!” Once Vince actually listened and realized the possum had waddled on over to that great other-side-of-the-road in the sky, I was sure the fee would drop dramatically, but I was wrong. ”On initial investigation, we will ascertain as to the particular species of the possum…” Sweet Lord above. Deliver me from a worldly post control expert. Whatever happened to the good old days when I could just dangle a twelve-pack in front of a passing redneck and not only get the varmint removed but also get a damn good start on a deck on the back of the house? I tried again.”
One last piece where she is talking about some plumber that are working on her kitchen:
“And even though my current plumbers had some kind of weird version of Tourette’s while working, we got along just fine. I discovered that it’s actually not so bad to communicate via obscenities. I’d point at a leaky faucet and say simply, “Shit.” They’d respond with a slow whistle followed by a wholly sympathetic, “Son of a bitch!” And then the repair would begin in earnest. While linguistic snobs would say that cursing is the lowest form of human communication, they’d never had such excellent plumbers in their house.”
I think I’ll read more of Celia’s stuff!
Read the following line and tell me whose birthday it is.
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
Not sure yet? Try this one.
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
I had never heard this one before but I like it!
“So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.”
I think you may know, but if you’re not sure, this last little bit will just give it away.
“I meant what i said and i said what i meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent!”
Thank you Seuss for all the fun. Thank you Seuss for ever one!
Born Theodor Seuss Geisel in Springfield, Mass, March 2nd,1904. Little known fact: Mr. Geisel was a Captain in the Army and commander of the Animation Department of the First Motion Picture Unit during WWII. He died of throat cancer in 1991.
Okay, it’s decided. I’m not voting for Mit.
I don’t usually like to talk politics (or religion) in polite company, but this is too important not to speak up. It has to do with “Glitterati” – a national movement trying to stand up against bigotry and anti-gay politics. Members of this group of protesters throw glitter on politicians who they feel are making anti-gay statements or who they feel are bigots. So who are these Glitteratiers targeting? Well, currently the Republicans that are currently crossing our nation at lightening speed, though not fast enough for these stealthy glitter bombers.
This brings me to my decision not to vote for Mit (not that I would ever vote for Mit, but that’s not the point).
When Rick Santorum was hit with glitter last week he commented by saying: “This is an exciting time. I’m happy for a celebration. This is confetti. We just won Florida!”
When Newt and his wife were glitterized, his comment was appropriate when he said: “Nice to live in a free country.” (on a side note – Newt? Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Gingrich but who names their kid Newt?!) Thought Newt did say that glitter bombing “is clearly an assault and should be treated as such.”
This brings me to Mr. Romney. After Mit was glitter bombed last week by a Colorado college student, he was arrested and charged with causing a disturbance, an unlawful act on school property, and wait for this last one - throwing a missile. Really Mit?! If you happen to get into any office of power in your lifetime, please put someone else in charge of defending our country; glitter missiles are not a legitimate weapon. Or are they? Stay tuned on the fate of this missile throwing college student!