I can’t send my “Belle Weather” book back to the library without telling you about Celia Rivenbark’s 10 compatibilty questions on her Red Neck dating site.
“1. Have you ever given birth on a pool table? If so, how many times?
2. Have you, or any member of your immediate family, ever tried to remove a tatoo with eighty-grit sandpaper? From the baby?
3.Have you ever burned all the hair off your body while demonstrating the power of methane gas?
4. Have you ever tried to pay for a twelve-pack at the Stop-n-Rob convenience store using your mama’s gold tooth? If yes, did you take it while she was passed out or ask her nice-like for it?
5. Have you ever stayed up all night building a beer bong for your little sister’s eighth birthday present?
6. Have you ever heard yourself say, “While I admire the liting oboe duet in Mendelssohn’s No. 5 in D Minor, I have to say that the andante of the final movement is what truly stirs my soul?
7. Have you ever attended a cockfight? Witha a date? That wasn’t your sister?
8. Have you ever gone to the bank and applied for a loan so you could get spinners and nekkid-lady mudflaps put on your Gremlin?
9. Have you ever complained to a waiter that, while bleu might be an acceptable substitute for gorgonzola crumbles in his universe, it mostly assuredly isn’ t in yours?
10. Have you openly mourned the fading popularity of the mullet hairstyle?
If you answered “Yes to all but questions six and nine, you will find your mate at redneckharmony.com. I had to add those two weird questions to weed out the riff-raff, you know. Happy redneck couples, don’t thank me now: just thank me by promising to get all the young’uns vaccinated, you hear?”